I spent so much of my life breaking cycles before I ever knew I was breaking cycles. Before I had the understanding and the words to describe my reactions to this world, the only thing I really knew was that other people made me feel bad and I didn’t want to make other people feel the same way I did.
So much of my behaviour came out of defiance. However my acts of defiance are subtle. When someone maee me feel bad or told me I can’t do something, I’ll spend my time trying to figure out why I felt so bad or why they didn’t want me to do something by doing it anyways (within reason). I never came back to fight them or prove a point. I used that knowledge or experience to quietly defy them more in the future. I used that knowledge or experience to be kinder to other people that came into my life.
When my family chose to ignore me, I defied that behaviour by acticely listening to everyone else. When my family chose to make me feel judged and guilty, I defied that behaviour by allowing people to be themselves without explanantion. When my family chose to only view me as a stereotype, I defied that behaviour by allowing people the time to show me who they were without labels. When my family chose not to take the time to understand me, I defied that behaviour to make sure other people felt understood.
For all the pain from all the trauma I experienced, I know I’ve been able to turn that into something that made other people feel accepted and whole. It was always unexpected when those people showed appreciation for me. Even some of the people that showed appreciation for me were completely unexpected.
When it’s my turn to die, I will at least be able to die at peace with myself knowing that others felt safe to be themselves around me and that they deeply appreciated that. Being kind when so many people around me are so unkind takes too much energy. But I won’t stop, that defiant part of my brain won’t let me.
I spent so much of my life breaking cycles before I ever knew I was breaking cycles. Before I had the understanding and the words to describe my reactions to this world, the only thing I really knew was that other people made me feel bad and I didn’t want to make other people feel the same way I did.
So much of my behaviour came out of defiance. However my acts of defiance are subtle. When someone maee me feel bad or told me I can’t do something, I’ll spend my time trying to figure out why I felt so bad or why they didn’t want me to do something by doing it anyways (within reason). I never came back to fight them or prove a point. I used that knowledge or experience to quietly defy them more in the future. I used that knowledge or experience to be kinder to other people that came into my life.
When my family chose to ignore me, I defied that behaviour by acticely listening to everyone else. When my family chose to make me feel judged and guilty, I defied that behaviour by allowing people to be themselves without explanantion. When my family chose to only view me as a stereotype, I defied that behaviour by allowing people the time to show me who they were without labels. When my family chose not to take the time to understand me, I defied that behaviour to make sure other people felt understood.
For all the pain from all the trauma I experienced, I know I’ve been able to turn that into something that made other people feel accepted and whole. It was always unexpected when those people showed appreciation for me. Even some of the people that showed appreciation for me were completely unexpected.
When it’s my turn to die, I will at least be able to die at peace with myself knowing that others felt safe to be themselves around me and that they deeply appreciated that. Being kind when so many people around me are so unkind takes too much energy. But I won’t stop, that defiant part of my brain won’t let me.