My watch says I got 3.5 hours of sleep and 5682 steps last night

I feel this way about working out in the hotel parking lot. Maybe I’ll just workout in my room. Oh look, a TV and bed.

I have 2 demands for microwaves. Have a 30sec button and start when I press it once. After 1 minute of no use, just clear the time left. Also don’t beep every 10 seconds after the timer ends. I’m drunk and I probably don’t need that food if I don’t remember. That’s more than 2, so 30 demands and I’ll stop before I hit zero left.

Welp, my foot is asleep and the automatic lights are off. Time to get up.

“honey, today’s your last day of work. Then it’s just you and me 24hrs a day.”

Operation failed successfully

Meme coin goes badly? How did I not see this coming?

Nuclear weapons? “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means”

Really puts me in the Christmas spirit

The following states never expanded Medicaid.

Alabama, Florida, Georgia, Kansas, Mississippi, South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, Wisconsin, and Wyoming

If anyone was confused why some very red states weren’t on the list

Maybe my wife will buy it for her boyfriend

I feel like that if one pardon commits a crime, it will be spun like illegal immigrants where one person’s actions defines the group.

What about Greenland? Don’t let that dream die, Donny!

I agree. Smoked a turkey breast today. 155f, pulled and wrapped in foil and placed in the microwave (as a sealed metal box, not actually used the microwave) for 30 minutes while the sides cooked. You can warm a cup of water before if you really want to keep the heat

I use an app called Tessie. It’s $5 a month for the rest of my life but i do like it . Keeps track of battery usage, trips, and links to Alexa.

The 2 guys that you immediately see when you say “why do all men suck?”

You should cook it to an internal temperature of 165f or 74c instead of a set time…sorry, the Internet has ruined me. I’m so alone.

Non-Trump votes feel very different now that he’s won.

My uncle was a professor at MIT

She made the mistake of knowing her neighbors. It could have been a Trick-Or-Treater or an uber eats driver and she would be okay.