Usually I am a person who is generally reasonable I think and mature. However yesterday it all went 180 degrees. It all started in the morning, I already felt very energetic on that day but not in a good way so to say but in this kind of way like when you drink too much coffee and can’t calm yourself.
I had to drive for an hour to my family member. While driving I already felt certain disconnection from external world as if it all was a bit foggy. Alright sometimes happens whatever, it will pass soon enough. However there was unplanned roadblock and huge traffic jam that I suddenly found myself in.
Stuck in it I really got restless, I couldn’t find music that would soothe me. Finally Lana del ray Black Beauty. Wow I felt so high like on some drugs when listening to it. I started to think that other people stuck in traffic jam can hear what I play in the car as it was on max volume and I liked it. I thought: hey maybe I am this sort of DJ right now and should serve them something good and we will all have a good time.
Strange thinking.
I felt kinda out of it. As the traffic jam dispersed I had unreasonable yearning for drifting. Every bend I tested the limits to the wheels traction, excited what will happen if I push it too hard but my engine is too small for any oversteer. Still, my style of driving turned violent.
I managed to get to my family member even though I was bored out of my mind by an uneventful journey for some reason. It was like an itch I couldn’t scratch.
Anyhow after some time with my family member it became apparent that she is a bit demented today. Okie dokie I mean you just gotta not listen to her too much and do stuff you think is good according to the plan. However she for some reason wanted to give money to certain neighbor lady that did some half assed ‘repairs’ in the past but never asked for money. And my old lady did go outside and gave her 85 dollars when I took a nap.
That really rustled my jimmies. I got very suspicious. Who is taking advantage of my family member? It felt like a personal attack on me and I couldn’t let it slide. I must solve this and see what the heck is happening.
For some reason I took a heavy wrench into my pocket. I felt excited and sort of like finally some kind of itch is being scratched. I asked my grandma with an innocent smile who she paid to for that ‘service’ or whatever that neighbor demanded payment for. I got the address.
Excited, grinning I went to the address that was a very short distance from the house, smiling the whole way for some reason.
I called on the intercom ‘hello I am here to see ms xyz’, the staircase door opened and I stepped inside and went for the door, straight to the doorbell.
It was getting kinda foggy my reasoning and everything. I just remember I was smiling and looking very deep in the eyes and was very polite but I felt like I could do anything in that moment. Like I wanted to see some signs in their eyes, of hostility. I wanted to see something in their eyes that would make me go bonkers you know. I waited for a signal.
I don’t remember too much. It was a bit of a blur but after some very strange but polite and calm conversation I have left the building. I remember feeling unsatisfied. Something was scratched but only partially. The longing was still there. I didn’t care about the money. My driving didn’t improve. It wasn’t enough.
I kind of still feel it on the ends of my teeth like there is some kind of electricity on my palate, like a hunger maybe, but I feel like a much more reasonable and sane person today.
I think it will pass completely during the coming days and will not show itself unless some kind of weird situation arises again that will require taking care of. I think that you have to take care of your business and solve things, otherwise people will rob you and use you if you let them. It is all very personal if someone exploits your grandma while you are there taking a nap. It felt good to take care of the business but it didn’t quite felt fully satisfying. There is still something unresolved here.
Any history of mania or manic episodes?
I’m not a professional but that’s the first thing that came to mind upon hearing this.
I don’t know but I think it is more like triggered by environmental factors you know. For example if people look at me annoyingly somehow for some reason then it starts. I even clearly remember some old guy on the parking lot looking at me in an annoying way for too long from the distance yesterday. It was a small thing but it was profound. This makes me feel like I am on a war suddenly and I get somehow detached and primal as if reduced to some basic instincts. I don’t really like that I so easily react to such things. Something very ugly stirs up and as I said metallic taste in mouth and this kind of crude determination and recklessness and certain electricity so to say. As if the gaze of that man was some kind of closing cage I must break free from at all and any cost and it suddenly feels like anything is justified and any means are fitting. That neighbor lady also felt like some kind of threat but unclear
This and what you’ve described above sounds a lot like hyperalertness/hypervigilance mixed with moderate anxiety, tbh. Sounds like you go into fight-or-flight, with a tendency for “fight.”
What you said about feeling energetic but not in a good way struck me, as that’s how I’d describe moments of stress or danger, when I get sharpened by adrenaline, but my mindset’s purely defensive.
This is pure speculation on my part, but you may be going through anxiety attacks.
I had some of these in the past when my dad died turning into a zombie from a brain virus infection. It was very hard sight to be honest to see someone reduced like this to some hallucinating animal going in circles and pissing under himself yet begging for something impossible to understand. 2 years after he died in some hospital from who knows what other than it was a sudden septic shock
I had panic attacks back then but they stopped some day overnight and most of anxiety kinda changed or even disappeared. So now it feels strange to me that I was afraid of public speaking for example like it was someone else who was
Sometimes I use psychedelics and on certain days with certain mindset I can feel immeasurable barrage of sadness when they kick in. It’s seriously like something hard to even withstand. I am not even sure if it is good because those emotions are overpowering, way too powerful. I feel like they could defeat me so to say if the trip took too long. It would not be humanly possible to withstand them. So as the drug wears off I feel relief to not feel those things because brrr. I would not wish on anyone to feel those things with such white hot intensity. I prefer the usual dial to 1/10 thanks
Oh, wow, you’ve been through some really heavy stuff, I’m sorry…
Also, from personal experience, the grief never really stops, nor does the anxiety. I honestly don’t think there’s a definitive fix for these aspects at all, it’s just them growing duller and sparser in their effects combined with us becoming more adept at stemming the tide and handling damage control. I’m decades past my trauma points, and decades since I’ve done my best to process them, and I still get a flash from time to time.
Heck, even that wall of sadness you encounter when doing psychedelics sounds like a clear sign things are still clinging on to you. Would be totally understandable and justified, as my two cents. It sucks, and I’m sorry…
Oh well it’s okay, I have been worse. Truth to be honest only after all this is when I truly can experience happiness. Back then I could never fully realize myself but after all these things are in the past, only now I feel true freedom and world brimming with possibilities. But I guess those things yes, they will be always some part of me. That’s how it goes. It could be worse because I could be poor on top of all this. Hard to imagine how hard life would be then but as of now I theoretically should live a dream. I am extremely privileged and money won’t be ever a problem which must be a huge difference. I imagine I would be long dead otherwise probably or at least alcoholic.
I can just pee on all those people that are clearly hostile
Thanks for listening
Every time I’ve felt that way, I’ve appreciated when I waited for more information to act. I call it an act of trust in my sure self. If my future self also thinks there’s a problem, I will act - but it’ll be a more wise and productive action.
